I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
