C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize