im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
