just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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