I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
