well I can't set my house on fire every night
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
