I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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