you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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