it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
