I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
either way he was missing a nipple.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
