i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
