I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My dick has a subreddit
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
