Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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