You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
