You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Who did Billy Mays play for?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
