If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
