So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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