I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
