had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
