Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
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