I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
