Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
