he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
