I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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