Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
