genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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