I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize