I wish my penis had an off switch
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
