If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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