pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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