he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
