i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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