I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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