I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
