Umm I'm too high to move.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
