my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
