Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
His nipple licking is glorious
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