were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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