If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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