i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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