When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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