I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
