you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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