Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
