The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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