Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
