she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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