I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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