The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
