i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
