I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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