By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
