Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
