My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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