i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
