You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
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At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize