At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
