Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
