I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
